I wish I could sleep peacefully, have nice dreams and feel recharged when I awake. Nothing is less true. You could say my nights are haunted most of the time. I get visited by all kinds of monsters. The ghost of my former self reminds me of all the times I hid in the closet when my were arguing. I can still hear the bell I rang when I wanted them to listen to me when I told them to stop. They never did. I know I should be over it but I'm not, it still brings me to tears when I think about it. 

The noises of the night are the banshees of my sleep. The closing of a door slams memories of unsolved arguments. The sound of dishes or cups hitting the table remind me of knife threats and a bloody nose. The Big Banshee comes with a loud bang and brings the fear of death. Sometimes I wonder why I would think that would ever happen, that my parents would go to that extend. Then I think about all the death threats to each other and themselves. One of the earliest memory I have is a fight between them where my mother wishes death upon my father and he leaves the house during the night. I didn't see him until the next day. Needless to say my creative brain made up the worse scenario of losing a parents or two as a result of these arguments. I don't hate my parents but I do hate what I went through, what I'm still going through when I try to sleep. These memories keep me up at night and I cannot seem to get a hold on them.

The moon is a beautiful spirit that has been accompanying me, bringing me solace and peace whenever I felt like my world was chaos. I opened my window and sat on the edge, it wasn't dangerous because the roof of the ground floor was two meters under me. I sat there for hours sometimes; the cold would help freeze the emotions. Freezing my emotions doesn't help anymore. 

 

Is it weird to say that I can feel my body dying? It's not an illness that a doctor will see and cure. It's a headache that tells me my head is at full capacity. It is a fatigue that shows my battery is empty. My body feels empty as a whole.  A sharp pain occasionally tells me my heart is damaged beyond restoration. My eyes are blind to hope, it's just eternal darkness. I don't know where I am going. I don't know why I am here and I'm not sure if I should be. Is there a point?