I miss you.

Some might say it was a coincidence but I think it was fate. It happened just like that. Look at us now. We are a couple, we are in love. I first thought it was a good thing, I still think our love is a wonderful thing but I can’t help thinking of what will happen to us. You are my first real love and I don’t want to lose you. If I could I would never leave you but I’m not even with you to be able to do that. I’m so happy but sad at the same time. I want to be with you. I want it so badly. It hurts being so far from you, not being able to feel your arms around me. Every day I wake up and the first thing I do is check my phone for your messages. Your words are the only things that keep me sane. You’ve been there when I needed you the most and you still are. Only now I have worries that don’t leave. Their effect is too big for me to laugh it off. I tried crying, I did almost every day these past weeks. I don’t feel alright but I can’t tell you because I don’t want to worry you and I certainly don’t want to keep you from being happy.

I remember our days together when I look at our pictures. Those moments were sweet and I miss them. I miss you. When I was with you I hoped time would stop. Naturally that didn’t happen. Now I can only wish for us to meet again soon.

Last time I came I saw your family. They were all nice and welcoming; I tried my best to give a good first impression. I don’t know what they thought of me. I wish I wasn’t from another country. I feel like I’m a bother to you, like it would’ve been better if you loved someone with the same culture as you. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? I’ve been trying to deal with these feelings but they don’t go away. As always I don’t want to tell you, I feel ashamed. I’m not a good girlfriend to you because I can’t be there for you and I can’t even tell you how I feel.

‘I love you’ is something I said many times but am I really allowed to. After all I can’t even tell you my true thoughts. I feel like I’m betraying you and it pains me.

I miss you and I want to be with you. I don’t want to think about anything else but you. Still I feel like I’m breaking down. So many things bother me in life and I can’t brush them off. I’m lucky to have you, you at least give me the strength to keep smiling and be positive. You tell me it is okay to cry. You always want to listen to me. Then what is wrong with me? Why can’t I speak to you? I’ve tried. It still hurts and I still cry and I still smile. Why? Just because.