Life has so much to offer. It can be incredible. You can fill it with amazing memories that will stick to you until your are no longer here. It can also be very daunting, a heavy experience. 

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For me right now it feels like an endless challenge. I am a gladiator in an arena, fighting my opponent one after the other. But for what purpose? What was the reward at the end of this? 

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I dreamed of warmth and certainty. I longed for love, for someone to care for me, to feel safe. I'd like to believe I found someone who I care for, who I feel safe with. My mind can't decide whether this is it or not. One moment it tells me this is what I wished for and the other it tells me that nothing has changed. That I will be cared for, that I am selfish for wishing this. I feel lonely even when I am surrounded by others. They tell me I can cry. They tell me I can come over if something is wrong. And yet I cannot. I thought I grew, that I was able to share my feelings. I have but not in a healthy way. I share but I minimalize. I can't seem to stop hurting by myself. Only to one person I can break down and even with them I keep a part hidden. I am not trying to be edgy here, I am fighting with myself constantly. In that arena I keep fighting this cockroach. I don't know if I can win. I would think I know how to handle myself. I like to tell others that I do but nothing is farther from the truth. The truth is that I am exhausted. My mind isn't, it produces thoughts. Right now I don't like the production. I wonder about the purpose of my life, but I find no answer. For a while I thought I knew and I had a plan. I thought I found a way to keep the cockroach at bay. I worked hard towards independent life but all of that now feels like wasted efforts. The cockroach is not a bug, it's a wall and it's crushing me. How do I escape? I want a way out of this. There is no way out though because a gladiator competition is until death. So I'm just surviving. Can you call that life? Is this what I got out of that supposedly amazing thing. I followed all the right steps so why am I struggling? That's when my mind makes me think about death. Because that's what everyone is living towards. Am I living how I would like to. The answer is simple: no. I want to be close to you but it's not happening. I don't want to give up but it's hard to wait for it to happen. I am afraid I will die before it happens because I almost did. I'm not sure you realize this but our time together isn't endless. I want to be romantic and believe we will be together for eternity but that's a lie and we both know that. 

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Right now I'm losing in the arena and it scares me. I wish I had a special attack up my sleeve.