What Now ?
It was raining that day. I remember I was in a bad mood because of the night before. How can anyone be happy when their best friend isn’t their best friend anymore? The worst part is she didn’t know? She didn’t know she wasn’t my best friend anymore and I wasn’t going to tell her either because I wasn’t the one who changed. Changed might be the wrong word, she just made friends other friends. Yes, I know I was jealous I know that’s not something I deny but I realized that it wasn’t just that that made me feel bad. I wasn’t wrong about feeling left out because that girl and her new friend talked about their world, their class, their teachers, their classmates… not mine. I couldn’t talk along so I just smiled and kept quiet. I sometimes I would try to say something in the conversation but it wasn’t anything big or interesting. That cloudy day wasn’t the first day I had felt that way. Even before that I felt like she was leaving me and replacing me with new ones. I remember when we met it was the first day of school and it just happened out of nowhere. Nothing planned or awkward, it just clicked. I remember she slept over within the first weeks and I went to her house the next week. That’s how our friendship was, it grew fast but the same happened with her new friend. Her new friend slept over at her place, I even gave them my air bed. Then a week after that she slept over at her new friends’ house for Halloween. I went to a party with the two of them and it was fun. I didn’t think I would l feel like that afterwards.
When I was little I was friends with all of my classmates. As I grew older I realized friendships aren’t that easy and people aren’t either. I changed too, things happened that made my mind break into pieces. I was less serious about life but I also questioned life. As for my personality, even I don’t know what I am anymore. I was closed then open then closed… I think it all depended on how I felt, with whom I was and also my situation. I liked being alone but also wanted to go out with friends. I wanted someone to be able to talk to but I didn’t like talking about my feelings and what’s going on in my mind. I was so confused with what I was supposed to do. Then I saw, that I was alone. I didn’t have anything. My friends were nowhere to be found and my family was oblivious by how I felt. I built walls as they like to say and I hit behind them in a dark corner. I was stuck. I didn’t know if I had to be happy or sad or feeling any other emotion. So I was frustrated with everything and everyone. I’m sure for others it must have been difficult to approach me because I would have a look on my face that could strike your soul. As time went by I started feeling empty. I wanted someone that I could trust. I didn’t have anyone like that so inside I was sad. At night I would stare at my ceiling hoping something would happen, either a falling friend or just an airplane that would take me out of this weak world. I thought of how it would have been a world without me. I thought of how my life didn’t matter but I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. My life started I couldn’t end it. I didn’t want to commit suicide, I couldn’t. I was afraid of doing so. I would feel guilty of even thinking of leaving my family behind. I wouldn’t want to make their life difficult but then again my mind thought it could be easier if I was gone. Because I could still think rational and I wasn’t completely depressed I still went to school like a normal kid. But I faked a smile so I would fit in with my classmates. I would study for my tests but my results just made me sink in a deep whole. Everyone says they hate their life once in their life well I really did at that time. I felt miserable and lonely. So I just reached out to the internet to forget about the real life.
Haven’t you ever wished you could live in your fantasy world? I wished I would fall asleep and not wake up. I wasted my time watching anime and movies when I should’ve reached out to people. I instead started ignoring my surroundings and lived in my own cocoon. At one point that did change. It was when I saw people chatting online. I was curious and thought it could be a form of entertainment so I joined the chat. That chat was the start of a new world. I met people online who I could talk to after school. The strange thing is that I helped some of those people who had the same problem as me but I was still the one stuck in one place. I met a guy in that chat, one who at first seemed like just an interesting person to have fun with. Later he turned out to be more important to me than I thought. I had fun talking to someone; it was actually him who made me smile like a freak in front of a computer screen. He became someone who I talked to everyday about whatever I wanted. I put my trust in him… I was happy again and that’s when I started changing my mindset. I decided to make the best of my life and to be happy. I decided to change environment so I changed schools. It was in the middle of the school year but I still did it and it brought me to a new life with new people. I also met new people outside of school who I met because of my interest for anime.
Today I’m just typing this on my laptop. I was happy yesterday so why can’t I be today? Why can’t I for once have a normal life, be normal happy? Why do I have to cry alone in my room? I don’t have a best friend who can hug me when I’m sad. I don’t have a boyfriend who is here to wipe my tears of my face and unfortunately my family is the reason why I can’t stop crying. I hate it, I hate that I have to write this but I can’t tell anyone … Every time I think my life is getting better it just gets more unbearable. If I didn’t meet the anime group, I wouldn’t have to go through the social bonds. I wouldn’t have to go through the hardships. I trusted people and I got betrayed. I wanted love but I pushed others away. I opened my mouth once to speak my mind and it turned against me. I don’t want those memories. When I think of my family I can’t think of happy times. Did I have them? Probably, but they all got erased and all that is left are feelings of hatred and disappointment. Why couldn’t I be born in an easier situation? Why do I have to go through all of this over and over again? Why do I have to feel pain for something I didn’t choose?
“Life is hard, deal with it.” I hate that phrase, just like everyone who thinks their life is worth complaining about. Do they see me complain? No, because I just keep it to myself. I don’t care about an argument I care about the greater scale. Maybe I should’ve said something to people but whom and what would they do? When I told my boyfriend about my parents’ arguing he told me it was normal but ….he doesn’t know or maybe I don’t know about him. All my life I’ve dealt with parents who don’t love each other so how would I know how to love?
I’m sorry I’m writing this. If you read this you will get sad again so I’m really sorry. I don’t want us to be sad I just want an answer to my life. I don’t have much to be happy about I hope you do. But the list keep getting shorter and I can’t and don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m not alive and I can’t live anymore, my only option is to pretend. I don’t want others to waste their time on me though. So what now?
