I don’t know what to write exactly but I have a need to write. I started writing to save my imagination somewhere. In the beginning I felt alone and troubled. I’m pretty sure everyone feels like that at some point in their life. Through the years I wrote more about how I feel which might have been good and bad because others were able to read it. I’ve never been good at talking about myself and especially about how I feel. It’s still not easy for me that’s why I prefer writing them down. I need to let out frustration somehow and this is my way. I’ve changed though and the reason for that is a person. He and I started off as strangers, our relationship grew with years? I’ve written about him a couple of times because he influenced me. He made me so happy; I couldn’t imagine life without him. We were close and talked to each other almost every day. We had conversations until the early morning. Those conversations would be weird but I loved them nevertheless. That person and I loved each other. I believe we still do and we will never stop. I will always have him in my heart.

Still I made an end to us. I did not him. I remember the days when I imagined us living together. I remember how I would giggle just by the thought of that. Time made me realize though that life is not so easy. We live in different countries so we had to take the plane to see each other. With both of us studying it made it trickier to find an appropriate time because plane tickets get more expensive during holidays. When we were together I had so much fun. I can say those moments were one of my happiest. I wouldn’t even change the slightest second. I ended it though because it was too hard for me. Some days he would be gone for hours. He would be busy with studying or family related events. I fully understand he can’t talk 24/7 with me but I felt lonely. I tried to push this feeling away and told myself it was worth waiting. It’s difficult though. I would hear other people talk about their lovers; of how they would see them the next day. I couldn’t do that even though I wanted it more than anything. This would continue for years and I already felt lonely. I realized we were better off finding someone closer to home. He and I are so young; a long distance relationship won’t work. At least not for me, I need someone who can be with me. I want to be there in person for that someone too. I know we will both be hurt but we have to get over this love and move on. 

I don’t regret my decision but I did underestimate how hard it would be. I feel empty like there’s nothing for me. I try to study and do some exercises but I keep thinking about him and it gets me down. I listen to music but I get reminded of his voice speaking to me through skype. I remember all our chats and calls and it hurts to think I won’t be able to have those again. Friends we will always be but I wonder if we will be as comfortable with each other. I don’t want to think of that though because it would mean that I’m over him and that’s not the case. I sleep all day and when I’m not sleeping I eat. My family asks why I sleep so much but honestly I don’t know. I don’t know what else to do and sleep is the only moment I don’t think of him. I used to have dreams about him though, now I don’t dream at all.

I’m obviously just ranting but I at least could get some things out of my mind. I feel like the next couple of days will be the same though; just meaningless and boring, without any purpose. I need time to calm down and think.

Because I know that person knows about this site, I’m pretty sure he will read this at some point. That’s why I just want to say that I love him. He has been the light in my life and I’m happy I met him. Even though this is how it ended, I would redo everything if I could. I don’t regret us. I love you.

This will be the last thing I post here. I think this is best for you and me.